Tag Archives: Humor

Three-Minute Fiction

Okay. Here’s the deal. I do not write fiction. I have tried to write fiction, and I am a terrible, nigh unto dismal, fiction writer. But this blog is about building some chops, and so I’m going to throw this assignment out there.

NPR has an ongoing series called Three-Minute Fiction. A few times a year, they have a special celebrity judge who gives a theme, or a phrase, or some kind of rule. You can read about it here. Go on. I’ll wait.

So, stealing this assignment from NPA, I am putting this assignment out there. Write a three-minute piece of fiction (about 600 words or so) that features a US president: real or imagined, past or present. If you want to submit it to NPR, go to the website referenced above. The deadline is Sunday, September 23 at 11:59PM.

(I am going to attempt this, but I will place a disclaimer excusing anyone from actually reading it. I will also probably drink some whiskey first.) (See above, with regards to my fiction writing.)

For those new to Small Assignments, if you choose to accept the challenge, just post your link in the comments here, so we can all read each other’s work.

 

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The Impossible Days

I’m working on thinking up a new Small Assignment, but in the mean time, I want to talk about impossible days.

Since we have gotten back from Nashville, writing has been kind of like… pulling teeth?  No. Pulling teeth is kind of cliche. More like trying to catch fruit flies in a butterfly net, except not quite so whimsical. Maybe it’s been like walking through foot-deep mud – the really thick kind that clings to your boots and sucks the shoes right off of your foot.  So I’m left wading through the mud with my butterfly net. Or something.

Of course, Maggie has been kind of sick since the return from Nashville, though no return of the puke-like symptoms. She just occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night whimpering “My tummy hurts.” It is both the most adorable and the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. We have continued the experiment of the shared room, and while it is getting better, Maggie seems to prefer sleeping on the floor right next to Beckett.  When she whimpers, he wakes up.  And the cycle continues.

So I’m tired.  I feel like creativity is kind of leaking out of my ears.  I have tried writing on the computer, in a notebook, on scratch paper, on a great big tablet with a sharpie.  Most of what I keep coming up with is halting and weirdly worded, at best.  Most of time I just end up doodling.  I can draw a MEAN cartoon pig, let me tell you.

So here I am.  Tired.  Trying desperately to remember that word.  You know, the one that means… that thing?

My guru Anne Lammott says we all have impossible days, and maybe even impossible weeks. During those impossible times, we need to keep on writing, even when it’s just a wet trail of snail slime.

So, here goes. Writing snail slime.

Time to strap on those boots and grab that butterfly net.  I’m hunting some words.

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Vacation: It ain’t what it used to be.

Warning: In what follows, there will be mention of vomit.  You are not obligated to read any more.  You have been warned.

Right, so I posted this last week, and then we packed up the car and flew the coop.  So this is my response to my third Small Assignment.

Last week, the small vacation that we had planned to go visit some friends in Nashville kind of… appeared.  I found myself running around the house making sure that the kids had enough clean clothes to get through three days plus sunblock, and Oh Yeah Maggie’s things that she insists on having in bed with her these days, including the plastic purple Easter basket that we got for an Easter egg hunt last year.

We stayed with the same person we always stay with when we go to Nashville.  The last time we visited, I was pregnant with Beckett, and our friend was living in a three-bedroom townhouse.  These days, though, he is in the process of building a house, so he sold the townhouse and is living temporarily in a one-bedroom high rise loft.  This meant that the whole family – David, me, Maggie, and Beckett – all stayed in the same room.  Beckett was immediately beside me and Maggie slept on the floor on a little toddler-sized sleeping bag.

All went about as well as we possibly could have hoped.  The kids went to sleep several hours before David and I crept into the room and climbed into bed.  Then in the morning, the kids somehow both ended up in bed with David and me as we tried to protect our friend (who was sleeping on the couch) from the noises of small children in the morning.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a vacation without some kind of hiccup, right?  That came when something shorted in the elevator on Friday evening, and the power to the entire building was blown.  It was about 4:30PM when it happened.  We spent the rest of our visit without power.  Fortunately for us, our friend lives on the 4th floor and not the 20th.  Maggie can handle four flights of stairs.  (For that matter, I can also make four flights of stairs while carrying Beckett.)  We figured that was our adventure for this vacation.

After spending a wonderful couple of days in Nashville (even despite the power outage), we headed back to Memphis, deciding that we would stop for gas .  The kids were exhausted, and so we figured they would probably just pass out for most of the 3-hour drive.  Well, 15 minutes into our drive back to Memphis, we ran into a traffic jam of rather epic proportions.  After about 40 minutes or so, we came to an exit (3 miles from where the traffic jam began), and we took it.  We wound our way to a gas station, where we stopped to fill up the tank.

While we were sitting in the car, letting the gas tank fill up, our leisurely drive took a turn toward the gross.

Maggie was singing peacefully in the back seat when suddenly, she puked.  All the way down her front, all over the car seat, in the buckles, everywhere.  It was unbelievably gross.  I got out of the car and got her out of the car seat.  I undressed her, and started cleaning her up as best I could.  Fortunately we were stopped at a gas station and could buy some cleaning supplies.  David bought a package of “Wet Ones,” which we used to clean the car seat and surrounding area.  Then we gave Maggie her little plastic Easter basket, in case she had to hurl further on down the road, said a little prayer, and took off to drive the rest of the way.

Maggie is doing better today.  She hasn’t puked since we were stopped at the gas station outside of Nashville.  But that event is likely to be the defining mark of this vacation.

I remember when my vacations were largely about reading a few good books, getting a little sun, and maybe sleeping in.  Now my vacation is about trying to keep my kids quiet so that we don’t wake up other people before 7AM, and then cleaning up puke on the way home.

Funny thing is that I’m having the time of my life going on vacation with my kids, puke and all.

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The Shared Room Experiment

Over the weekend, David and I began (yet another) great adventure.

We assembled an IKEA bed – a real bed – a twin-sized bed – for Maggie.

Now, Maggie hasn’t always been so good with the transitions.  She, like most toddlers, likes her things just the way she likes them, and that’s that.

So we were a bit nervous about transitioning her into a bed from the toddler-type crib-without-a-side bed into a real bed.

To make the transition a little bit easier on her, we spent about a week hyping up the “Big Girl Bed” that was soon to be hers.  We also spent a lot of time telling her that the crib would be Beckett’s bed soon.  And then… we let her help assemble the bed.

Anyone who has ever assembled IKEA furniture knows just how… edifying… the process of furniture assembly can be.  Throw in a 2-year old, and, well, let’s just say the process went about as smoothly as we could have possibly expected.

The very best part about the process, though, was that as Maggie “helped” to screw in the various bolts and push in those God-forsaken little dowels, she continually said (on her own) “Maggie’s Big Girl Bed.  I build it!”

Points to us for indoctrination.

When it came time for Maggie to actually sleep in the bed, she did!  Just like that!  She seemed a bit skeptical at first, but with a little encouragement, she fell asleep and slept the night through in bed.

So of course, getting Maggie transitioned so easily into her bed, we got smug, and decided to try our luck.

Beckett has been sleeping in our room since he was born.  At first, he was in a side-car co-sleeper, which I loved for the little baby.  But then as he became more aware of his surroundings, having him right next to me didn’t work so well.  So we detached the bassinet and moved him across the room.

Then he got HUGE.  (He’s about 25 lbs now, at 9 months.)  So we got rid of the bassinet and moved him into the pack n’ play, still in our room.  That worked for a while until he learned how to pull himself up.  So now, he can peek over the edge of the pack n’ play during the night and look at me and David.  It’s so much fun that he doesn’t really care to sleep.

So last night, in a brazen move of pure hubris, we decided to try moving Beckett into Maggie’s room.  We put the side back up on the crib that Maggie had called home for the last two years and put them both to bed in the same room.

It did not go well.

The first thing that happened was a feedback loop where Beckett, in unfamiliar surroundings would kind of complain.  Maggie, hearing Beckett’s complaints, would get out of bed and go to his crib and make him laugh.  Eventually, one of us would go into the room and instruct everyone to lay down and go to sleep.  Then the cycle would start all over again.

Eventually, they did both go to sleep, for a few hours.  Beckett woke in the middle of the night, and would. not. go. back. to. sleep.  So we bailed and moved him back to the pack n’ play in our room while David and I moved to the futon in our den.

We’re all tired today, and the kids are off their schedules, because we all slept in this morning.  But, it was the first step, and David and I got to experience the joy of being able to put away laundry after the kids have gone to bed.  That, my friends, is success.

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Small Assignment 2: Lunch

(Last week’s assignment was to Find Your Funny Voice.  One person took the challenge.  Read his response here.)

Today, we had a family lunch.  David and I ate some leftover Vietnamese food, which we ordered the other day after a very long and exhausting day.  When we get food from that place, we always have enough leftovers for one or two more meals.  Maggie requested, in this order, apples, celery, biscuits (which she “helped” me make) and then some of the Vietnamese curry from my plate.  Beckett ate bits of sauteed mushrooms and zucchini with feta cheese, and then had a biscuit, and finally tried a little of the Vietnamese curry from my plate.

Meals are so integrally important to shaping who we are and who we become.  We do not yet have “family” dinners, because the kids go to bed quite early.  But David and I do our best to make sure that at least one meal a day is one that we eat together as a family.  (Usually, that meal is breakfast, but you get what you get, right?)

But as we were sitting at lunch today, I started thinking about how much my lunches have changed over the course of my life to this point.

In Bird by Bird, Anne Lammott describes a moment in her writing class where she instructs a student who is panicking to write about school lunches.  (No, really, if you have not read this book and you are a writer, you should go and read this book.  Right now.)  Describe the lunch.  Describe the setting.  Pay some attention to detail.  Some of this you might pick up and continue to write about later.

I know we all have stories from our school days about lunch.  So the assignment this week is borrowed from Anne Lammott.  Write a piece about school lunches.  Write your own memory about a school lunch.  Write a short story that includes a school lunch.  Write an ode to your lunchbox.  Just write something.

As usual, write a piece and post the link in the comments section here.  Please share the project with anyone who might be interested.

Good scribbling!

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My Funny Memory

(This is my attempt at Assignment 1.)

I want to tell a story about my father.

In order for me to adequately tell this story, however, I need to tell you a little about my father.

My dad, you see, is a gentle soul.  My most vivid memories of Dad when I was growing up are of him puttering around the house, the yard, the basement.  He is a mild-mannered man who cooked most of our family dinners (and still does),  taught (and still teaches) Sunday school.  He is a lover of puns and single-malt scotch.  He is slow to anger, but always quick to help.  He is not at all prone to sudden outbursts.  His humor tends to be dry and subtle-ish (though the puns are not always so subtle.)

The other character in the story is a seemingly innocent bottle of ginger ale.

Dad has, for as long as I can remember, done most of the grocery shopping.  He goes out early on Saturday morning and drives around to several different stores in town (Giant Eagle, Aldi, Wal-Mart.  When I was growing up, there was no Wal-Mart, but there was Shop n’ Save.)  He usually sticks to the grocery list that he’s made, but occasionally an item will catch his eye, and if it is on special, it might coax him into an impulse buy.

On the Saturday in question, there was a bottle of Vernors Ginger Soda on special.  Dad came home from his shopping trip with a bottle of “America’s oldest surviving ginger ale.”  We were not normally a soda-drinking people, so this was indeed a special occasion.  Asked why he bought a bottle of ginger ale, Dad responded that he had heard it was different from most other ginger ales, and he was curious.  Fair enough.

The thing is, Vernors Ginger Soda apparently has a very distinctive taste which is a bit… stronger… than your Schwepps or your Canada Dry.  (Their tag line is “Barrel Aged. Bold Taste!”  They’re not lying.)  It is also, apparently, quite a bit more carbonated than your average soda.  So when Dad decided to sample the soda, he poured himself a glass, took a sip…

…and promptly spit it out in the most phenomenal spit-take I have ever seen in real life.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen another spit-take in real life.

Vernors Ginger Soda was sprayed over the floor, the island in the middle of the kitchen, and the cabinets across the room.

To this day, my brother and I both burst into giggles when this memory bubbles into consciousness, and it is, quite frankly, a very fond memory for me.  I’m tremendously fortunate that Dad, in addition to being wise and mild-mannered, has the rare ability to be able to laugh at himself, and tolerates a more than a decade of his kids still making fun of him for the one time he tried to drink Vernors Ginger Soda.

Personally, I’ve never tasted the stuff.

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Small Assignment 1: Find Your Funny Voice

So last night, David and I re-watched the film Believe: The Eddie Izzard Story.

It killed my very favorite excuse for not being better at humor, namely, that I’m not funny.

You see, Eddie Izzard spent a great deal of his youth trying to be funny, and failing miserably.  (No really, it was caught on film.)  But he continued to work at it and through a combination of Steve Jobs-like magical thinking and brute force of will, he became a comedian performing stand-up to audiences of 11,000 people.

Now, I don’t ever intend to be a stand-up comedian.  I do think, however, that humor is a necessary and important part of the craft.  So I will be working for the next several months on finding my funny voice.

But, you say, this is a blog about Small Assignments.  Finding your funny voice is NOT a small assignment.  So this is my small assignment (and yours): write about a funny memory.  Recall and write about an incident that still makes you laugh, days, years (or decades) later.  Let it be fiction, non-fiction, poem, or prose.  Just let’s try to be funny.  I’ll post the next assignment in a week.

This is your assignment.  Should you choose to accept it, write a little something and paste a link to your work in the comments section.

(Also, as always, if you happen to know other people who would like to participate please share this page with them.  AND, if you have a small assignment that you would like to suggest, please let me know!)

Good scribbling!

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